idle love

i try i try i try

to get you 2 see me

to get you to notice

and get you to feel me

my idle love

Nothing more

mm..i feel like i could be nothing more than but a piece of shit...

thats lying on the fucking floor... yes bitchin and writting about myself

o yeah and misspelling sum fuckin words with my lazy

american grammar

my writing is for the mentally challenged

;_____;

and who i drew a pix.

for my internet boyfriend

whoop dee doo

he wanted flowers

and took me awhile to think

how to draw a fucking flower

i cant paint pretty

so i got so mad at myself and rip all

my crappy flowers

that i tired to paint

some how i pulled it off

and made a picture'

im tired good night

mmmm..... write 2mARrow

you loved me once

7/13/2008 2:47 AM

To: すむゕ♡

the beginning of a new day. i wake up to your text as if its the only thing in the world i was waiting for. giddy like a little school girl to read what words u have spoken to me. this cool breeze chills me, much like an Early Morning Mist. i rush online to see if your there, your not. i immediately call you and i pray dearly to hear your voice. you answer. i felt like my world just settled down again.
your love is the only thing i want in this world. i want to be with you, destined to be yours forever. forget other girls or guys, without you, i wudnt have any care in this world and wat not. you. you i love the most, much more than any relationship i ever had. i think of you everyday and every second. no one else can ever take my eyes, let alone my thoughts or heart.
i am so deep in love. u kno i dont trip like dem other boys. i dont care if you talk to other guys or flirt wit dem. its all good.
i need you in my life more than i need the air to breathe, food to live, water to drink, and my heart to beat.
i wanted my friend to help me make my website hot. i wanted it to be where u cant click on anything except comments or msgs. and itll be like half the page was about you and wat i love about you. but i guess shes busy. computer stuff is hard, like another language to me.
i want to be with you and do everything. from waking up and u raping me to walking around the mall holding each other. buying u cute lil presents. den laying down together watching tv and feeding each other fruits. and i wanna hold you and kiss u and i'll have the best time in my life.

and if i ever go to the mall by myself, ill get so lost dat ill have t call u for help and be like. how do i get out of the mall? im hungry. babe im lost. im scared i mite get rap ed.
and i wanna clean ur house up wen ur sleeping or gone and cook u lunch wen u get home. i want to be the man of ur dreams and fulfill your every wish and desire.
we'll also do the most craziest things uve never done yet. like enjoying our time in someone elses jacuzzi & porch, the taxi cab ride, i wanna take you to do hiking and outdoor activities. i want to take you to korea town and we can go shoppin and share my culture with you. of course i wanna learn everything about your heritage and visit all your ppl. i want everyone to kno me cuz ill be in ur life til the end of time. and i know no one else who leaves u comments or msgs cant outdo me cuz my love for you is real and i would fight forever with all my heart and will for you.
i would take on an army for you.
i want to take you to random parties and become legends where we will make the party dat much better cuz we are the party. everyone will kno us and we'll party it up and club and stuff. i want to get us drunk at least once and fool around. im a very clean person so dont ever worry about me making a mess. i am very efficient so livin out my suitcase aint no problem. except wen i work. i love that everything u sed back then sounded like it was a porn flick haha. 50 FIST dates.

god i loved it wen u were so crazy for me. i am evne more crazy now and wen i have time i wanna make crazy videos for u. i cant wait to be there. im gonna be all crazy and all over you ull be scared haha. jus playin. im so excited i dont think anyone cud be as happy as me.
i will never be an alcoholic. i will never blow money on alcohol like that. i want to be a bartender. make money off of alcohlics haha. i will never want any girl but you. you will never be a choice to me. fuck all dos other girls. piss on der face. take a dump on dem from a hotel room LOL like tourists.
i know i cant talk to you much on the phone. but dont let it stop u from talkin to ur other friends ok? ill still text u a lot.
this is all i can write for now. i love you with much more than my heart babe. my love is so strong it can conquer others like king kamehameha or alexander the great haha. wat a dork i am LOL. i love you and miss you so much. dat im gonna text u 100 times haha.
there is no squall or cloud that will hinder us.
-zidane, Final Fantasy 9(i just beat it last month haha took 6 years LOL)
love you so much. haave fun. use condoms! mkkthxbyee~
text me wen u get this. or call me i dont care I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!

i finally read the letter u wrote

back in the day.

it made me cry

knowing

we all the things that u named on the letter

and u still left me.

i'm sorry i wasnt good enough for you

...

i had to be honest

you where a good boyfriend

we had our times

but

u loved me once

and cared

and always was there for me

i love you

for making me the person i am today

stronger

wiser

mature

. a little.

....

u will always be my first love

i think about you time to time and cry

and i hate it so much

remembering

you

you were my best friend

you were my lover

the thought of you forever is

imprinted in my heart

and kills me

Happy almost birthday Penguin

its almost my birthday✰

so far

everything

is fallin apart

as normally

this year lets

think

Oh, yes!

(smile)

my fuckin car ...

(sad face)

my poor little car

its broken

so i gotta take it to the shop

(wahhhh)

;_______;

why does all the bad stuff starts 2 happen when it cums

near 2

my birthday

P.S. i have no clue what to do for my WONDERFUL

23rd

Birthday

lately i been depressed. . .

about "LAME family DRAMA"

so i dont think i have much friends

to Celebrate with

cuz i've stuck myself in my room

and pay attention to the internet

than living in reality

.

im sounding a little emo huh ?

well ...

depending my "on line BF"

to comfort to my emotional needs

isnt really normal isnt it ?

plus the tyme zone

is SO OMG!

lets see its 2:58am

here in cali.

and

in

scotland

its

"MMmmm"

(checking my iPhone)

10:58am

and he is sleeping

i can call his cellphone ...

i guess but

this depression is making me lose my

mind

slowly

piece by piece

i can feel my brain

decaying.

besides ( whispers )

"i dont wanna wake him up"

i hate feeling like i' bugging him '

calling him

wanting him

needing his attention

OH GOD WHATS WRONG WITH ME!!

hes in FUCKING SCOTLAND!!

did you know i had him read my last blog!

then he thought i broke up with him

i had to explain to him nahh, im just crazy and i need ur

attention.

can you say this with me "psycho"

yes i know i am psycho needy clingy and weird

and yeah this is the only guy that probably thinks

i'm a Goddess♡

poor fool

i keep telling him

i'm waste of time

and

he shouldn't

love me

i wasn't meant to beloved

but

he does

and i love him

for loving me

besides

hes so adorable

oh yeah where was i goin on with this blog again YAH my crappy life

BIRTHDAY IS CUMMING UP

im so excited

another LONELY YEAR

scared of the dark.

I'm scared of in dark.

i hate sleeping alone.

i think thats why i choose to sleep during the day time cuz i feel

safe.

is that weird?

anywho writting a blog i just woke up and i wanna head back to bed

i thought i could talk to you but ur busy

always busy

*smile*

i'm glad ur getting ur life together and stuff

its going to be alonely with out

you

im so use of you around

calling talking to me

i guess im just

spoiled

and i just want ur attention

why do i need so much attention

i feel like

my cat

always crying

Meow meow meow

pay attention to me

all i can think of is you !!! and laying

in bed with you

and not being scared of the dark no more

but that wont happen

anytime soon

i hate liking you so much

AH!

well whatever ur doing

i hope ur happy

and enjoyin life

i guess i have to learn not

to love you as much so i wont be clingy

so these next blogs im going to write how

2 fall out of love ...

this is goin to be hard cuz it took me awhile to fall in love with him

but i'm needy and he has life ... and i cant be in his way

besides he told me he use to be a cheater

=_____=

that kinda scares me

what if i FALL MADLY IN LOVE WITH HIM SO MADLY AnD he ends up

cheating on me and leaving me

i cant have that

nope nope nope

so i need to protect my heart .

I have to keep in mind that Guys are guys .. and guys fuck up most of the time

i never met a honest guy.

which makes me sad right now i wanna cry cuz

i really believed that he was different 4rm the rest

that he was sweet and amazing

and loving

and blah blah

i'm so confused

on line dating is never smart

its always heart breaking and confusing

but some how i trust him

and i love him

is just maybe

i need too....

take a break

i feel like he is taking a break with me as well.

he has been goin out and stuff i havent talk 2 him as much on skype

so i guess he really doesnt care as much as he says he does

here i am waiting like an fuckin idoit waiting

and writting about him

fuck me!

some times i wish some one can find me

and love me

in real life

and none of this internet bullshit

why am i on line again?

o yeah to talk to people and to get my ARTISTIC VISION out there

which isnt working well

cuz theirs a shit load of people like me

i hate being a cookie cutter

anywho im finding myself still

(what was i talking about again)

oh yah my love life on the internet

is it worth it?

am i worth it ?

is he worth it?

ah fuck it !

he is busy with life

so i guess

now i need to move on as well like he did

and start doin my own shit

Maybe if im lucky he would miss me and write about me

lol

yeah ?

i dont think he would

lol

im alonely little fucker!

22.

this morning ... i want to cry

but

no tears

i can't cry

no more

sadness

is written

on my face.

when u look

in my eyes can u see my pain ...

all the empty smiles and broken

wishes..

....

whats wrong with me?

....

i feel like I'm dying and my body is slowly giving up on me

or am i giving up on myself?

i know

its wrong to wish sickness on myself

and i don't .

i want to live and see life

i want to grow old and have children

one day.

but that is just one day. and not today .

i lay back listening to the melody

of a song i wrote .

over and over it repeats

thinking of lyrics

mmmm.. mmmm.. mmm.

but nothing comes to my mind

but the thought of you

do u love me? like u say u do?

... faith...

all love ends with just faith

and believing and trusting .

faith, trust, and believing .

i want to cry

i really do ..

going out of thought:

"why cant u you love me? am i good enough for you? why do i have to beg? for love & attention can someone just love me? ... night and day i pray someone can just find me and save me...take me away and hide me. i'm tired hearing the world laugh at me calling me crazy.

i close my eyes and wont open them until ur hear. i will lock myself in this state of mind and only you have to key to set me free

.i'm mad i'm lonely i'm lost and cold i'm empty i'm broken "

(sigh)

" dont pity me, just love me. can anyone see me? understand me? and love me? "

anyways ... back to reality ...

lyrics

cant think of anything

just small emotional outburst

of random feelings...

" today i bought Christmas Canon thinking of you hurts me still.

i loved you. u know with all my heart ...

why did u ever leave me?

i hope ur life is prefect with out me

.... cuz my life is shit so far...

thinking of you makes me cry. its hurts God why does it hurt so much?

why did i have choose to love you ? knowing ur going to hurt me?"

(song changed)

*smile*

22. i'm 22 goin to be 23 in a few days ... OMG!!! wtf? did i do? with my time on earth ...

I LOVED HARD AND GOT HURT "HARD!"

does that count ?

for something ah ...

i think my 22 i did pretty well.

its was very "EMOTIONAL"

23 has to be my best cuz i'm pretty much smarter than before

and i know what i want in life.

and i'm not going to sell my self short.

*sigh*

so young so dumb but full of hope and promise

... no wonder why the world laughs at me...

im too innocent at times.

but one day the world will love me !

one day the world will scream my name

.then who is laughing now . me.

=P

mmmm calum... my sweet calum ... he's my medicine

but he scares me.

is it wrong for me to be scared to love again.

but i do love him.

he loves me.

like i said before ...

cuz i was thinking of him he was my thought of you

its all about faith trust and believing ...

... i gotta have faith ...

i gotta trust...

i gotta believe

but i did before ... my innocent heart love that fucking GRRrrRr... and he left me .. now im just scarred...

and its hard

but the first cut is the deepest

i guess but i will try to love again